Style Conversational Week 1279: The method in the madness How the Losers tackled the Style Invitational Shakespeare contest If it were a musical, he could sing “Knew Yorick, Knew Yorick”: Laurence Olivier (left) in the film “Hamlet.” By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow May 10, 2018 at 3:02 p.m. EDT *Before we start:* YOU!!! — as one of the very select few who read this column — are PERSONALLY invited to the 23rd annual Flushies, the Loser Community’s awards and (potluck) banquet, the afternoon of Saturday, June 9, in McLean, Va. When I come up for air (I’m still sending out prizes for last week’s foal-name winners), I’ll tweak last year’s Evite mailing list to add some names of recent local Losers, and send it by email. But for now, here is your express invitation with all the deets. I’ve already heard from people who are coming in from as far as Connecticut and Florida. Along with the nifty plaques for Loser of the Year, Rookie of the Year and more, Founder of the Not Ready for the Algonquin Round Table Society Elden Carnahan will award personalized prizes (in the form of hand-inscribed rolls of TP) to those who’ve reached certain ink milestones inthe past Loser Year (March-March was Year 25) — your 50th ink, your 100th ink, etc. Surely you want to be present for such an honor; if not, someone else will be designated to catch your award when Elden lobs it across the room, and what will you have to adorn your mantelpiece? But that’s not all: There will also be other prizes for reasons still to be thought of. For one, there’s the fabulous set of Poop Emoji Pillow and Fuzzy Slippers , which Chris Doyle declined after placing second in Week 1270. I’ve been to at least 15 Flushies lunches and always enjoy having people suck up to me meeting new Invite entrants and just-readers and Style Invitational Devotees as well as reconnecting with the veteran Losers, including those who’ve pretty much retired from entering. Even if your name isn’t currently on my list, you should be able to RSVP from the link above. (If you’ve already responded yes or maybe to the similar invite in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group, please also answer the Evite so that you’ll get any updates.) *Q-AND-AVON*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1275* /(*Non-inking headline suggested by both Jesse Frankovich and Tom Witte)/ “From the haughty to the potty”: It’s a line I use to describe the humor of The Style Invitational, its mix of high and low comedy, of literary allusions and poop jokes. And there can’t be a better example than the results of Week 1275, in which the Losers were sent hunting through the Shakespeare canon for quotes to pair with a question. As soon as Loser Duncan Stevens suggested this contest — a variation on our “Questionable Journalism” contests using sentences from the newspaper — I couldn’t wait to run it and read the entries. My only problem was that, much as with last week’s foal names, I had lots more clever and funny entries than I could reasonably run. So if your fabulous joke got no respect this week, you might want to try again in our retrospective contest at the end of the year. Just after posting this week’s results, I asked the Devotees how they went about working on this contest. Here are some of their strategies: Some people searched for certain words, then found a suitable quote. Robert Schechter: “I went to an online concordance, OpenSourceShakespeare.org [the website we recommended when announcing the contest] and searched for lines that used words like ‘impeach’ and ‘pardon.’” Robert got two blots of ink this week, including: “I crave your highness’ pardon./ What’s the best-selling Hallmark card in Washington these days?” Thor Rudebeck took the same tack, searching for “words I think are funny, like ‘weasel’ and ‘erection.’” But it was Thor’s “rotten orange” joke, alluding to You Know Who, that won him a Loser Mug or Grossery Bag — which means that, of a total of three blots of ink so far in Thor’s entire Invite career, two of them were runners-up. Chris Doyle and Brendan Beary both used Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. Neal Starkman used a more random method: “I have the complete works of Shakespeare in a paperback, and I just flipped through pages. The first time through, I focused on, say, the bottom left; the next time the bottom right; and so on. And I guess I tried to find quotations that I could do something with.” If that last sentence sounds a bit wistful, it’s because Neal was one of many Losers robbed of ink this week. Mark Raffman did the same, but fortunately must have landed on a line featuring the word “tush,” which in Shakespeare means roughly “tsk-tsk.” (“Trump,” by the way, which was used in many entries though none got ink — e.g., “What means that trump?” — is in Shakespeare a trumpet or trumpet blare.) And then we have the Enlighten Yourself route, courtesy of Losin’ Machine Duncan Stevens: “I reread several plays (eight, I think) and came up with entries for lines that jumped out at me as good candidates. “ And finally from Gil Glass: “I assembled an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters and...” — and the monkeys delivered for Gil; he got ink by moving that fishing-for-compliments scene with King Lear and his daughters, “Which of you shall we say doth love us most?” to a 2018 Cabinet meeting. (You many continue the Lear/Trump metaphors on your own.) Regular readers of the Invitational know that we often have an “And Last” entry referencing the Invitational itself. This week it’s Jon Gearhart’s about the “inky blots and rotten parchment bonds” as the Empress’s awards for her children. But this week I had to choose from so many funny Invite-themed entries that I wanted to share a whole list — many of which turned out to be by 2017 Loser of the Year Jesse Frankovich, who ended going inkless (a rare occurrence indeed) in this week’s actual results. /These are all Jesse’s: /The neighing steed and the shrill trump. (“Othello” ) Aside from Your Mama, what are the two favorite subjects of The Style Invitational? Ugly and slanderous to thy mother’s womb, full of unpleasing blots... lame, foolish. (“King John”) How would Shakespeare describe the Style Invitational? Well, sir, be it as the Style shall give us cause to climb in the merriness.” (“Love’s Labour’s Lost”) What is the point of this ridiculous contest? Our empress, with her sacred wit. (“Titus Andronicus”) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest judge of all? Say that upon the altar of her beauty you sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart: Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears moist it again, and frame some feeling line that may discover such integrity. (“The Two Gentlemen of Verona” How can I convince the Empress that my Invite entry is worthy? A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! (“Richard III”) What did the desperate Loser say in a fit of madness while trying to think of funny foal names? Beauteous as ink; a good conclusion. (“Love’s Labour’s Lost”) What makes for a successful “And Last”? /But it wasn’t just Jesse: / Let there be gall enough in thy ink. (“Twelfth Night”) What is the traditional Loser toast? (Kevin Dopart) Got any advice for writing winning entries this week? (Jeff Contompasis) Come, come, our Empress, with her sacred wit, To villainy and vengeance consecrate.” (“Titus Andronicus”) What is the invocation before every Loser brunch? (Bill Dorner) O, she is lame! (“Romeo and Juliet”) Say, why doesn’t she ever get ink? (Beverley Sharp) Here come more. (“Troilus and Cressida”) O Siri, how many Trump entries must I endure?!? –The Empress (Dave Prevar) Ay, that’s a colt indeed, for he doth nothing but talk of his horse (“The Merchant of Venice”) Is it just me, or does everyone find Luke Baker insufferable since he won the Week 1274 foal contest? (Elliott Shevin) *The Feeney Funny: * Ace Copy Editor is off this week, but fortunately his fill-in Mary Feeney is a longtime Invite fan and was eager to share a list of her faves: Gil Glass’s: “Which of you shall we say doth love us most?”; Claire Walsh’s “tongues in trees” (for her second blot of ink); Jeff Shirley’s “your waste is great” toilet joke; Duncan Stevens’s “To boot! To boot!” jab at Microsoft; Chris Doyle’s “cancels all bands”; Jeff Contompasis’s “As many farewells as be stars in heaven” to describe the White House staff, and the same for Frank Osen’s “some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany”; and Duncan’s Peter Dinklage joke, “I’ll not be juggled with.” *As(s:) You Like It: The Week 1275 Unprintables* Shakespeare could be bawdy enough himself, but misinterpret his words and we get (among numerous other unprintables) ... Give me another horse: bind up my wounds. (“Richard III”) Don’t you think it’s dangerous to keep experimenting with bestiality? (Jeff Contompasis) Cold fearful drops stand on my trembling flesh. (“Richard III”) So, what is it that you like best about outdoor Siberian brothels, Mr. President? (Jon Gearhart) What, with my tongue in your tail? (“The Taming of the Shrew”) Can we get this screen test over with, Mr. Weinstein? (Anne Salzberg) I will not answer thee with words, but blows. (“Henry VI, Part 1”) What was Stormy’s reply to Donald’s proposition? “I must go up and down like a cock that nobody can match.” (“Cymbeline”) How did Wilt Chamberlain answer when asked what he would need to do to win the 37th Annual World Sex Championship? (Thor Rudebeck) *SPEAKING OF METHOD IN THE MADNESS: THIS WEEK’S CONTEST* I trust that the examples at the top of Week 1279 — especially the tweet about cooking a can of soup — give you an idea for this week’s contest for “accurate” directions. Part of the challenge will be to find creative subjects as well as funny observational humor. And it’s already clear that at least some in the Loser Community are already on the case. When this morning I asked the Devotees how they went about entering Week 1275, Matthew Zimmer immediately posted this: 1. I went on the Shakespeare website. 2. Started searching terms I thought of that were funny. Like “cheese,” “fairy” and “butter” 3. Found the best quotes that included those words 4. Built up a funny question that the quote would answer 5. Submitted the quotes and questions 6. Waited about 4 weeks 7. Crushing disappointment. No worries, I’ll crush the next one. 8. Lather, rinse, repeat. -- RSVP me!